The girl I used to know...

I know that I probably shouldn't be writing this. Why? It's not just my business, it's more my sister's story than mine. I've been wrestling with this for months. Most don't understand where I'm coming from and certainly not those closest to her, to us. She has never shied from sharing her story, even when it's completely inappropriate to. Ultimately I decided to write this out; my thoughts, my heartbreak, my grief, my pain. If nothing else, I'm hoping this will help me process everything even if I can't properly articulate all of it.

For the sake of preserving at least a little bit of anonymity I'm going to refer to my youngest sister as Nikki and our middle sister as Suzie. 

When Nikki was little she was so kind, so compassionate and sensitive. She was the first to cry for a wounded creature and was always looking for ways to make the world a better place. Idealistic, maybe, but we all adored that about her. 

Our mom died at a pretty critical age for all of us. I was 17, Suzie was 15 and Nikki was just 12. Nikki was still crawling into bed with Mom sometimes when she passed. 

Our dad made the best decision he could for us and chose to keep us in the same town were we'd grown up rather than take us from the only home we'd ever known to live with him in another state. This meant we all went to different 'foster' homes, not in the system, but not family really either. Nikki made out the best of us. She got wonderful loving people with grown children who were very dedicated to her.

I had always had a parental relationship with her. I wound up being the second parent more than the big sister in our single-parent home. I was still their big sister but there's a duality to our relationship that is difficult to put into words.

This started to change when she went to live with the Fields. They became her parental figures, later on even adopting her. It made it difficult for us to figure out who we were to each other then. I got married and had children looking to, needing to, fill the whole left when I stopped being the second parent in my family. 

Nikki is one of those people who pretends to like kids, but most of the time they're more a photo-op and a funny phrase to her. While she talks about loving my kids, I hear her screaming for someone to shut their crying up and to get the boys out of her way.

Maybe I'm giving too much background. Maybe I'm just looking for an answer that isn't there. I want to know when  she changed, when she stopped being the girl of infinite kindness. Maybe she never existed and I've idealized her.

When Nikki went to college, that's when things really started to go downhill. She's always been really self-involved but it became even more apparent when she wasn't around to know what was going on and never really cared to ask. She'd started cutting before college, but I think the drugs came later. I don't know, I don't think I want to know anymore.

Our relationship has been a push and pull our entire adult lives. We've never had common ground. If she'd been anyone else, I'd have given up on her long ago.

She just changed. She's been in and out of drugs, in and out of therapy. Nikki's been evaluated and diagnosed and had those diagnosis questioned. She says she wants to get better, and everyone wants so desperately to believe her, to believe in her.

Nikki's the most self-damaging person I've ever known and it's broken my heart. I've  watched her fall and tried to help her back up even when she didn't take my hand. I've tried to give her space and watched the void build between us when she didn't care to reach across the distance. I've called when she wouldn't take my calls, anyone's calls. I've watched her pick herself up, dust herself off and rebuild only to destroy every progress she's made with her own hands.

I've said my share of unkind things to my sister. Nikki's hurt me more deeply than she will ever know. Not just in watching her descent into mental illness and addiction, but in the outright cruel things she's said. If you say anything to her about her life, even in kindness, it's viewed as condemning and judgmental, no matter who you are.
 
It's exhausting and draining to be a part of all this. It's unbelievably painful to worry about when it's going to be too much, when the cut's going to be too deep, when she's on meds or off meds because she's decided she's better again, when she's going to inhale just a little too much. To have her pushing you away and being verbally abusive never to apologize but to expect you to work your way back into her good graces before she needs you again only to discard you when it suits her.

In May I reached a breaking point. This built for months and months. I realized that the little girl I used to color with, the one I taught to skate, the awkward girl who used to jump along with Super Mario, didn't grow up... she died. Somewhere, somehow along the way that girl died. The Nikki I remember, the Nikki I loved ceased to exist somewhere along the way and she's never coming back. The person walking around today is not my sister, she's not the girl I used to love. So I let her go.

Letting her go was painful. Months of grieving for her preceded it. We argued and I finally just said enough, I don't know who you are and I don't think I want to know this person. 

I've gotten so much grief for this, mainly because of my kids. I don't want her around them. She has always been ok around them but I just think it's best for them to not be exposed to the drama she brings. They've been blissfully unaware but am I supposed to wait until something happens? I'm not going to take that chance. Suzie says Nikki's mainly hurt by not being part of the kids lives, but I think it's the idea of it, not the actuality of it that bothers her. She's never really been a part of their lives, just a yearly visit and even then she didn't really bother with them other than to say they were cute or a pain. 

I think Suzie's angrier about this than anyone. I'm pretty sure my dad thinks it's a fight that will blow over. I think Suzie's angry because she doesn't want to be responsible for Nikki on her own and she feels like I've abandoned her there. She doesn't have me to buffer things with Nikki when she's out of control anymore. The majority has always fallen to Suzie because as the years have passed Niki and I have grown further apart where Nikki and Suzie's relationship has stayed the same. Now Suzie has all of it. I feel bad for that but I can't keep myself in that position because Suzie can't stop being Nikki's crutch. 

With the holidays approaching this has been on my mind even more. I'm not going to bow out of family functions because Nikki's there. I won't put my family in that position. It isn't fair to them. At the same time, I don't want to see her, ever. It's just too hard, too painful. I'm not angry, I'm just grieving for someone who isn't here anymore.

There it isn't pretty, but life never is. I can safely say this is one of the hardest things I've ever done but I don't question my decision either.